Why DIVORCE was one of the BEST THINGS that ever happened to me…
It was two years ago today that my divorce was finalized. Two years ago that my life took a sharp and unexpected turn…
While going through divorce was by far the most painful thing I had ever experienced in my life, I now look back in pure and utter gratitude.
It was one of the best things that could have happened to me.
Please don’t get me wrong. I wish I could have saved my marriage. I loved being married. I still deeply love my kids mom, and am eternally grateful for the years we got to spend together. I miss my kids all the time, and wish that I could be there every night tucking them into bed and watching them grow up. There’s a lot of things that genuinely suck about divorce…
But I look at what I’ve learned, who I’ve become and what I’ve experienced in my life because of the divorce and I am so INCREDIBLY THANKFUL.
1) DIVORCE taught me more about relationships than 16 years of MARRIAGE ever did… There’s something powerful about going to the depths of pain and realizing how little you know that allows you to learn and grow in ways that you never could have otherwise. This is how it was for me. Because of the pain that I went through I began a deep and earnest search to learn the things I needed to learn to make sure I didn’t have to go through that again. I read countless books, and talked to everyone I could to figure out what makes a relationship work.
At the time I had no intention in sharing that information and never would’ve imagined being a “relationship expert”, but I’m glad God gave me the opportunity with my book…
( if you haven’t got a copy, you should… lots of blood, sweat, and tears went into writing it, and it contains the most valuable lessons I wish I would’ve known earlier. www.themarriageadvicebook.com )
2) DIVORCE helped shape me into the MAN I WANTED TO BECOME… I didn’t realize how much healing I needed to do while I was married. I didn’t realize all of my triggers, my insecurities, and limiting beliefs that were sabotaging my relationship. Somehow through the deep work I went through during my divorce working with coaching and healers, I emerged with greater confidence and self love than ever. I knew who I was and what my mission was. I felt more powerful as a man and more secure in my masculinity. I learned to embrace my shadow and express my light. I graduated from my fear of rejection and learned to be more fearless in my life. I truly realized how our greatest BREAKDOWNS are the catalysts for our greatest BREAKTHROUGHS.
3) DIVORCE brought me CLOSER TO GOD… I grew up thinking that I knew who God was, but it wasn’t until the dark, lonely nights during my divorce where I felt totally shattered that I discovered how close God was and how much He wanted to teach me. During countless cold winter nights you could find me walking under the stars, steam emerging from my mouth as I talked and pleaded with God begging for him to comfort me. And He did. And I learned how much HE LOVES ME.
4) DIVORCE helped me expand my PURPOSE… I’ve always loved teaching and mentoring and helping people to create a life that they love. I knew this was my purpose before my divorce. But through my experience I emerged with greater clarity on my mission, a deeper desire to serve and greater awareness of my gifts. And I think, maybe because I was finally ready, thousands of more people came to me so that I could share with them what I had learned. There is much truth to the saying that often our MESS becomes our MESSAGE.
5) DIVORCE helped me to become a BETTER FATHER… There was so much I took for granted before with my kids when I was with them all the time. But when you are afraid of losing something you learn to treasure it more. Now, even though I don’t get to be with my kids as often as I wish, I am way more intentional with the time I do get to have with them. I want to make sure that the time I have with them I am totally present and we are able to make the most out of it. I want them to know that they have a father who loves them deeply and is always there when they need him.
6) DIVORCE taught me HOW TO LOVE… It’s a strange thing learning to date again when you’re almost 40 and youve spent almost half your life attached to one woman. When I started dating, my goal was simply to keep an open heart and to create as many perfect moments as possible. During these last two years, I was so blessed to date such amazing and incredible women who taught me how to love at a deeper level… And now that I’m in a relationship that is full and nurturing and thriving, I look back on what I used to think love was, and realize that I had no clue.
I can truly say that I love myself, the goddess that I’m dating now, my kids and even their mother more fully and unconditionally now than I ever would have been able to before. The gift of when your heart is broken wide open, is that when you put it back together it is stronger and wiser and more pure than it was before.
So yes, for me, I believe Divorce was something I needed to go through on my souls journey to become who I need to be.
I want to be clear… I’m still an advocate for saving marriages… or at least the ones that are meant to be saved, but I don’t think all marriages are.
Truth is, I can’t even say that DIVORCE is a “bad thing”. Sometimes, it really is the best thing. And sometimes, like all things in life, even if it sucks, and hurts, and is extremely hard, we can find a way to make the best of it so that someday we will look back with gratitude and understand why we needed to go through it.
So more often than not, when someone tells me they are going through a divorce or some other major challenge in their life, I just tell them… “I’m so excited for you. I know it’s hard, but God wouldn’t give you this challenge if you weren’t strong enough to handle it… and I know that the person that you will be when you emerge on the other side will be so much greater than where you’ve been in the past…. you’ve got this.”
“You have one life to live, Live BIG.”
If you can relate to these lessons, or think someone else might benefit, please share. You never know who might need it.